Chefs are psychopaths.
More food, less fighting.
Happy 2021 you food freaks,
I found a list in my notebook from December 2019 of what I hoped to do more and less of in 2020. I hoped for more dinner parties, family, reading, and long hikes - less TV binges, sitting on the couch, bread, complaining, and eating when full.
Well, we all know how that turned out. I definitely ate bread when full while on my couch binging Bridgerton (more masturbation, less empire waist dresses - am I right?) and definitely complained about it after.
So I’m not making that mistake again this year. My only resolution is to eat food.
That’s it.
And no global pandemic or lockdown or Mitch McConnel turtle chin horror show can fuck that one up for me.
So happy new year, fuck your resolutions, let’s keep gorging ourselves alone until that day when we can emerge, rounder and wiser, and gorge together.
“My boyfriend is a great cook who insists on cooking an extravegant meal whenever I visit him, but he gets so wound up while cooking that he freaks out on me no matter what I do. The better the meal, the bigger the fight.”
It’s a cruel, cruel world, dear Sophie’s Choice.
Is an amazing meal worth massive relationship unrest? Is a bland, flavorless relationship even worth our time? Can we have our cake and not fight with it, too?
As I have written before, cooking is a great way to connect with your partner by doing something physical together with a delicious payoff. But what happens when one of us is a control freak who can’t relax, trying to cook like this is Top Chef: Breakfast Nook Edition? What happens when a recipe nazi and an “I cook by feeling” free spirit find themselves in the same kitchen?
Fire.
So you have a few choices.
Make yourself scarce while Chef Ramsey is raging in the kitchen. Only offer words of praise and meek “mmm’s” of pleasure when he’s finally put down the cocaine and spatula and joined you at the table. Perhaps time your arrival perfectly with your mad chef setting the table, so he has no time to throw the frying pan at you. Either way, if you can’t stand the heat, try to get out of the kitchen.
Do a line and join the line. Fight, fuck, eat, fight, fuck, repeat. It works for some, but fire and fire eventually burn down a breakfast nook. Sounds hot, though.
Or. Maybe. Just leave the damn restaurant.
Despite my kitchen rom-com fantasies, the reality is: the best chefs are psychopaths.
Working in the restaurant industry for many years, and having many confusing attractions to the talented, underpaid, overworked, totally bat shit chefs on the line (who strangely all looked like the above stock photo…), I realized that we always let them get away with their abusive tendencies and flying kitchenware for the sake of good food. It’s an industry of hazing and power play, sadly but truly mostly among males, with the old school Anthony Bourdain chef types teaching the young apprentices to suffer through the pain and abuse until, by sheer talent and will, they become powerful enough to treat their apprentices the same way daddy chef treated them.
But pretty recently (and pretty late in the Mee Too era), people have begun to realize that the bitter taste of abuse lingers a lot longer than the succulent dishes these chefs may serve. It’s just not worth the pain. And finally, the trope of a crazy/talented chef is being questioned.
So why not question the trope of a fiery relationship being hot and admit that maybe, sometimes, it just burns.
Maybe the abuse is not worth it, despite the talent. Maybe we need to rethink pleasure if it only comes along with pain.
I say, instead of trying to make the impossible choice between your boyfriend’s amazing homecooked meal and a functional relationship - dump them both and order in some delicious, reliable, and never abusive Chinese takeout.
And please tip extra knowing how much money you’ve saved on couples therapy.
Here are my favorites, but please respond with your local picks.
San Francisco: Z & Y Resturant Sichuan
Marin County: DJ’s Chinese Cuisine
New York: Famous Sichuan, Kings Imperial, Xian Famous Food
Mexico City: Luau
Now more than ever, restaurants need your help.
Order food in, get it to go, tip a lot, and share your favorites with friends so your go-to restaurant can stay in business through the winter. In fact, please respond to this email with your favorite takeout restaurants where you live and I’ll share them here!
And when you’re all full and happy, give some money to these great organizations helping feed hungry people across the country…and in Mexico too!
Fuel The People works to provide nourishment to protestors on the front lines, support local Black and POC-owned restaurants and businesses, and donate to local organizations.
The Migrant Kitchen began as a catering company focused on providing meaningful opportunities for immigrants and citizens alike, now they are feeding millions of those in need in NYC and DC, supporting legislature to assist immigrants in the food industry, and celebrating cooking from around the world.
Friendly Food Donations is emergency food aid for vulnerable people & families without resources during the pandemic in Oaxaca, Mexico.
Or donate to your local food bank through Feeding America!
Happy new year and stay safe you psychos.
Much love and butter,
Kate