Is a ferret a deal-breaker?
the results of the red flag poll...
Last week I was forced to go to the mall with a small child and buy shorts. It turns out there are no shorts that look acceptable on a recovering pregnant body except a pair that are literally called the “mom short” - because we need yet another reason to feel old. But even despite the limited options, I am somehow instantly put at ease when I enter a giant air-conditioned cube of oppressive signage and old popcorn smell.
It must be from coming of age in Y2K - when my friends would go to the mall multiple times a week to either a) flirt with the old guy at Journeys (likely 22-24 years old) who taught us how to lace our puffy Etnies or b) take over a Jennifer Convertibles beige couch with our Orange Julius's and refuse to leave for hours - that I immediately enter a fugue state that is beyond time and space. I am free from obligation or stress. I am one with the hyper-regulated atmosphere as if I am in nature. I am home.
Another place devoid of time, and thus all responsibilities, is a Mexican nail salon. You will never leave in under two hours no matter how simple the manicure is on your “chiquitita” stubby nails. This used to give me real stress coming from New York where you can get a mani/pedi/massage in under an hour and still somehow take a call right there in the salon. I used to worry I was taking up too much time in my day with a frivolous activity, but now that I have a kid and no time for frivol, it is the most glorious excuse to sit and do absolutely nothing: hands and feet occupied, limited service, mind adrift, staring for hours at that one toe hair perfectly highlighted by the overhead florescent lights. It’s where I answer most of these inquiries, including this weeks question which I’m pretty sure is my husband trolling me (happy birthday Andy!), but sparks a necessary dialogue. So keep the questions coming, even if they are fake - mama needs an excuse to go back to her happy place.
Are ferrets a deal-breaker?
Dear Ferret Fan,
As you might assume, my radar for red flags has always been a little off. As someone who has famously invited a one night stand on a family vacation, and also dated someone for a year who still lived with their ex-wife, I can’t pretend I’m a pillar of good judgement. I tend to see a red flag as a beacon: a good story waiting to be experienced or an opportunity to fix the broken thing that no one else can. One man’s deal-breaker is my personal challenge, and only after the ship sinks do I realize what the red flag meant. So I trust the people to make a call on this one.
Obviously, most people are not looking to shack up with a ferret - but this got me thinking: What are the red flags we turn away from and what are the ones we let color our experiences? When is a little quirk (or a “beige flag” as the TikTok teens call it) something you can look past for the sake of love? Is a deal-breaker only a deal-breaker if you were never really in on the deal in the first place?
I polled around 50 people on some of Reddit’s top deal-breakers and found that for the most part, the only thing people really can’t look past is a low tipper (under 10%) and someone who isn’t funny. Take this with a grain of salt since my sample size was mostly friends on Instagram who are all very funny and great tippers. But the big red flags - cheating in the past, not having money or a job, someone not being your type physically, even someone not giving many compliments (though this one was very close) - most people can look past it.
A more methodological study might yield more trustworthy results, but to me the sentiment is clear: we will put up with a lot for the prospect of love. For the right one, we will make an exception to the steadfast rules we tell our friends or ourselves. We will look past someone’s picky or messy eating habits, we will put up with a pet in the bed even if we don’t like it, we will even let them tip under 20% (as long as it’s not below 10%). For the right person we will break up with our deal-breakers and take the risk. But then why have red flags at all if we all know we’ll ditch them once the vapors of love take us under?
I think you all are just like me but won’t admit it. We all want the story. The love, the heart break, the drama. It’s what makes life worth living - so we throw our scruples out the window and release our better judgement. That, or we’re all just horny enough to pay the price later.
My mom always said: “the first thing is always the last thing.” As in… that red flag you chose to ignore at the start of a relationship is often the thing that breaks it in the end. This was true for my parents marriage and it was true for my past long-term relationships. The boyfriend who still lived with his ex, in the end, wasn’t ready to move on. The guy who left his girlfriend for me, ultimately, left me for another woman. I should have known, but didn’t I always? I should have protected myself and called it off when I saw the signs, but would I have? My parents spent 35 sometimes good, sometimes bad years together, tried as hard as they could to make it work, and ended it only to find themselves happier than ever to move on. They don’t regret it, and I don’t regret my red flag conquests. Our past experiences build our discerning taste for the next connection. Sure some call it bitterness or baggage, but the love we had, and the knowledge we take with us after a relationship ends, is hopefully worth the heart break. The red flags are worth the ship wreck.
So, Ferret Fan, yes, your ferret is a deal-breaker. But trust me, to the right one, it’s an attribute.
RED FLAG SAFFRON RICE
And while you ponder over the results, please enjoy a recipe for my red flag red saffron rice - the easiest, most delicious add-on to any meal, and a true deal-breaker for anyone who isn’t impressed.
2 1/2 cups chicken or veggie stock (from a bouillon cube is fine!)
1/2 teaspoon of saffron threads (a little goes a long way)
1/2 teaspoon of dried, crushed chili flakes (optional for spice)
1 half lemon
2 cups white Jasmin rice ( or basmati or even cous cous, just adjust the stock to replace the water in the cooking directions)
1 teaspoon fish sauce (don’t worry it won’t taste fishy!)
Boil the stock in a medium pot with a good lid. While it’s coming to a boil add the saffron, chili flakes, and lemon.
Add the rice and the fish sauce. Stir and reduce the heat to low to cook the rice (about 12 minutes, but check the package).
Turn off the heat when almost all the liquid is gone and let the rice finish steaming in the pot with the lid on for another 5-10 min.
Fluff the rice with a fork and taste. If it’s a little too salty, add lemon. Too sour, add a small squirt of fish sauce.
Serve with anything! For extra points save some leftovers and put a runny egg on top in the morning for your red flag booty call.