Life is a life shift
every decision is a winding road
When I was laid off at 8 months pregnant, I had consistent fears of not doing enough. I could hardly walk, and yet I felt the nagging urge to “get back out there”. Maybe it’s a thing all mothers fear, the idea that by retreating into our parental duties, or really just giving into nature at all, we will become irrelevant to the rest of the world, forgotten and forsaken. And yet at the same time the world say: “savor every moment!” “it goes by so fast!” “work can wait!”
While hitting up everyone I knew for copywriting gigs, producing events from my hospital bed, and just trying to stay relevant while servicing a small succubus I started this newsletter as a way to make me feel productive without the pressure. Luckily, I was blessed with unemployment payments that helped supplement the lack of work and lack of ability to work. It wasn’t what I had planned, the opposite, but it gave me more of a maternity leave than I would have ever been awarded at my old job, and more than most people get at all. So while I still struggle with the pull of being “productive” and being a “good parent,” I’m feeling a new freedom that comes with writing for no one but myself (and you!). So thanks for reading, submitting your love queries, and not forgetting about the moms while we hustle at home.
I recently had a HUGE life shift on top of another big life shift, which has essentially left my foreseeable future up in the air. I have the luxury of deciding what I want my next step(s) to be which makes me feel all the more pressure not to fuck it up, but am also more limited than I was, say, 9 months ago ;) I’m standing at this seemingly 100-pronged fork in the road, analysis-paralysis in tow, unsure of how to take that next step and disturbingly close to resorting to eeny meeny miny moe. I don’t think I have the bandwidth to start all over again (AGAIN) but I may not have a choice—how should I proceed?
- Lost in a Life Shift
My therapist used to say: The funny thing about life is no matter how hard you try to predict the future, there’s always a chance it could rain. Kate, are you worried about the rain?
This was annoying to hear. Like you, Lost, my love language is planning potential scenarios, going over each and every possibility in the 100 pronged fork. This is a family tradition. My mom and I could talk for hours about all the permutations of fate of just a day out at the museum: maybe it will rain, we should bring umbrellas, but then if it’s sunny maybe it’s better to go to the park, but what if it does rain and we are in the park, but actually the park isn’t far from the museum, and we have a car with umbrellas in the trunk, so maybe we just decide tomorrow based on the weather and play it by ear. Anyone hearing this back and forth with ultimately no real decision (aka my husband in the backseat of the car) would quietly jump into oncoming traffic. But to the Messingers, this is in our bones: east coast anxiety in the planing, Cali chill in the moment. It somehow feels productive to obsess on the options without ever choosing a way.
We all deal with the impending doom of the future in our own ways. It sounds like you put so much pressure on yourself to decide the right way to go that your next step becomes so exhausting that you’re too tired to even walk. Then you look at yourself in your analysis-paralysis and say, I’m stuck, I can’t decided, I’ve failed. But this is you according to you. This is not reality. In reality, every single second you are making a micro decision, and every single second you are moving towards the future you. Life is a life shift - every single person is constantly starting over AGAIN, even if they pretend they have it all together.
It’s time to embrace it. This life shift that happened in 9 months I can relate to: it can feel like an enormous pressure to figure it all out in order to give your family/partner/self the stability to grow strong and be happy. You want to do it all right but you are still a person figuring it all out. You are you, but suddenly a new you. But what you are doing is exactly what you should be doing and your (beautifully written) question is proof: you are thinking profoundly about who you are and where you are going. So let yourself go there, without the pressure of knowing the exact way.
My friend described this feeling, especially in finding a career or a “calling,” as honing in on a distant radio signal. You’re driving along in life and you start to hear the music you feel drawn too, so you head that direction. Maybe it starts off with a loud and clear 94.9 pop station, but as you listen and develop as a person, something more specific to your taste tingles through the air waves. You drive towards this sound, this niche college radio station playing songs just for you, trying to tune into exactly what you want to do in life, who you want to be with, who you are. But once you get there you may realize… maybe you also like Country! So you shift gears and follow that signal towards the new you. You may never end up at a station that’s exactly right, you may encounter static, you may need to start your own station all together to fit what you love. But no matter where the music leads you, you must listen and trust yourself to go towards the place you are meant to go. The not knowing might be scary, but try to think of it as a series of small decisions instead of one big choice: all the hundreds of roads lead to exactly the right place, which is another road, and another place.
In the words of Samantha Jones recently repeated by a man I know going through a relationship shift: “You are always looking for a new man, a new apartment, or a new job. You can’t have all three.” Sure you can, but the sentiment is true: life is always shifting. No one has is figured out, so give yourself some credit. Let yourself stand in this place of not knowing for a moment, or many. Try to tune in.
It may rain tomorrow. It may not. Tomorrow will come either way. And while it’s always uncomfortable to sit in the not knowing and not plan every permutation, sometimes you have to just shut the fuck up in the car with your Mom, and just drive. You are already creating the future that you need. You are already on your way.
Here are some of my favorite road trip munchies (and ideas from the hive mind) to enjoy while you go.
MEXICO/CENTRAL AMERICA
Dianas aka fake Cheetos
CHIPS jalapeño potato chips
Hunk of fresh Oaxaca cheese
CALIFORNIA COAST
In & Out animal style fries
Comforts chicken Okasan and coconut cupcakes
Humbolt Fog cheese + Mary’s Gone Crackers crackers
PNW
PCC grocery store stock up in Seattle, including breakfast burritos and seasonal stone fruit
Un Bien Cuban sandwiches (bring extra napkins)
EAST COAST
Polish sausage sticks from Greenpoint
Pequea Valley yogurt from Philly
Dill Pickle chips
ANYWHERE
Cheeze-it’s
Sour Patch kids
Cheetos
Peanuts poured into a Dr. Pepper
Grapes
Pretzel Cheese Combos
Taco Bell