My parents were swingers. That's not what killed the marriage.

Don't mix business with pleasure.

Can you still say Happy New Year if it’s the end of February? Can you really say “happy” when 2025 has, so far, been mostly death, destruction, and chaos? Either way, here we are existing, as time flies by.

When parents talk about how “they grow up so fast,” I always thought they were just pretending – can you really enjoy your kids so much that life just passes along without you noticing? But now I get it: it’s not that these people were so present in the moment that cultural phenomena, once important dates, horrendous political changes, life altering disasters, entire months where they should have written their newsletters, just passed by without their knowledge – it’s that they have toddlers.

As I enter the toddler black hole phase of parenthood, I don’t see a light at the end of a tunnel. Rather, it’s just a collection of moments swirling forwards, taking up all my energy and focus: singing toys, the word “no,” unexpectedly dangerous objects suddenly in reach, the word “hola,” lost socks, weird hardened pieces of banana in all crevices, snot, giggles, multiple reminders to “bring snacks,” and on and on. I simply can’t follow the world’s horrors like I once could. Or maybe, I follow but I can't help but choose to pay more attention to the unwavering joy and chaos of a tiny human instead. It’s the only thing that feels slightly hopeful, and I’m thankful for this phase. I have an excuse to be so out of touch and let the world fly by, as I pry another small object out of my son’s mouth, even if it means this newsletter is way overdue. So here is my very delayed and maybe too-personal take on the first anonymous question of 2025. Submit yours here, and I’ll get to them when I can.

---

I have been married for 8 years, together for almost 12(!) and open for 5. I have been through all the waves of emotions that come with opening up a marriage: scared, excited, bored, turned on, turned off.... My partner and I have open communication about our arrangement. I have come to realize that I use "dates" to feel good about myself / desire but when that ultimately ends / goes awry I am left feeling the same as before and the cycle continues. I have realized it's time to stop the cycle. My partner and I have both changed since first getting together and have different priorities. We also own a business together so there is very little down time that we spend together. We both have hobbies we enjoy doing separately. I am not sure how to find time to reconnect (sexually). Honestly, I lack the energy to go there with him. I'd rather have a one night stand than delve into why our sex life no longer works...it sounds boring and agonizing. Trying to figure out what's next.

Signed,

Not sure what's next

Dear NSWN,

First off – standing ovation to you and your partner for doing the hard work to 1) be married, 2) discuss being open, and 3) actually make being open work for an extended period of time. This is a testament to your communication skills and ability to be agile with each other. But the open relationship that once served as a way to bring you and your partner closer, now acts as an escape from the real issues. What once was teamwork and collaboration and synergy has become an inhospitable workplace. As business partners and partners in life, the team isn’t teaming any more – and you can’t call HR when HR is you.

The thing is, your relationship isn’t business. It’s love. And love doesn’t really give a shit about your job. Love is messy. So stop trying to fix your marriage like it’s a business problem.

I have no doubt you two make great business partners. It’s easy for a romance blossom from collaboration, or a business plan to start forming from between the sheets. Tickling the hive mind and creating something together is the sexiest thing two entrepreneurs can do – I’ve done it before, and it got me a career. But it also got me gaslit into a relationship for a year. The thing about a working relationship is that the fault lines between office and home life can start to become shaky. The highs of landing a big deal or collaborating on a project are exciting, but ultimately those business wins are all about the individual ego, not the relationship between the two people. On the other hand, business decisions can hurt, which is fine if you can go home and complain about your boss to your significant other or take the weekend to cool off between co-workers. In a working relationship that is also an actual relationship, those small cracks of anger, judgement, and betrayal have a tendency to build up over time, until your relationship’s once solid foundation is sliding down the hill.

I am a product of a working relationship. My parents spent most of my life working together making really amazing, world-changing projects. My parents were also swingers (or what they now call Ethically Non Monogamous). They had different partners and lovers over the years, while maintaining the cookie-cutter family dynamic. But the open relationship didn’t kill my parents’ marriage, the working relationship did.

I didn’t know about my parents being ENM until I was an adult, but I was always acutely aware of their working relationship. When me and my twin were born we were instantly part of the business – we traveled to Russia and France and Turkey and beyond, running around cities with babysitters who hardly spoke English, playing in the Russian River at their yearly (mostly-nude) team retreat, making cameos in documentaries whenever they needed to reference a child. It was fun, exciting, and made me who I am today – but it also made our family about their jobs rather than their union. My parents’ fights were rarely about the house or the kids or money or even their open relationship. It was all about work and how they were individually affected. I used to sit and listen to the raised voices in the kitchen, secretly wishing they were fighting about me. They never were.

Finally, after 35 years of working together and being together and trying to just make it work, they called it quits. No more business; no more marriage. And now, after a few years of letting the dust settle, my parents are getting along better than I can ever remember growing up. Maybe it’s their age or the fact they don’t see each other too often, but they’ve begun to bond over the family and relationship they made together – not just the business. They rarely fight, unless it’s about who’s house I’ll stay at when I visit. And I’m secretly happy about that.

You are not my parents, NSWN, and I hope you won’t become them. But in order to make your partnership continue to work, I do believe you should cut the work out of your partnership. And at least for the time being, cut out the other people, too. What does your connection feel like when it is just shared between you two? No work, no lovers, just you and your partner?

Intimacy might be shaky at first, but that’s ok. Esther Perel has at-home courses to help couples reignite their old flame and keep it burning with activities and thought starters.

As for your business, it obviously can’t just end overnight, but exploring the possibility of what not working together looks like might make the future feel hopeful, rather than a hassle of logistics. Channel that undeniable work ethic and ability to collaborate that you both brought to your business, and put that into your relationship. If you both want to make this work, it will.

Rebuilding a connection in a new way is like hand pulling noodles. I know this because despite it sounding scary and hard work, I recently made my own Xian’s noodles (since I can’t get them anywhere but New York and constantly need them as comfort food). It was actually quite simple if you have the time to commit to the process. There are only 3 ingredients in the dough, but working with it over time can make it take on a whole new form. Just like a relationship, this recipe takes time and patience, some slapping around, and a little added spice, but if you show up to work, then damn will it work.

---

EXTRA MONOGAMOUS HAND PULLED NOODLES

Once you quit your jobs and ditch your lovers, set aside a day with your partner to get messy in the kitchen. This recipe takes time but it’s delicious and fun. Make sure you really slap the dough on the table to make sure it’s thin enough. You could roll it out more, but slapping is sexier.

As for the sauce, I sautéed some barbacoa from the corner stand with cabbage, soy sauce, and a generous scoop of the Xian’s famous chili crunch I smuggled home from New York, but I’m sure the sauce in the recipe is good too!