Pasta a la Anxiety
What to eat when it's "too soon to call."
Well, we’ve made it.
At the moment, “it” means wherever we are, and “made” is TBD. I’ve been writing this newsletter over the past three days. On election day, at a nail salon waiting for a chair massage after suddenly canceling all my meetings and eating half a gummy to escape my anxiety. The day after, hungover smashing a bacon, egg, and cheese before running to all those meetings I had masochistically rescheduled to be back-to-back-to-back on a day of known panic. And today, two days after the election, “still too close to call,” realizing no matter the outcome I’ll likely be gorging my feelings.
Wherever we may be by the time you get to reading this, everything may have changed. So I’m going to focus on what we know, now and forever: cooking is healing, eating is self-care, and hot gossip is a great distraction from the cold soup of reality.
I did a little Instagram poll of what y’all are eating during this time of anxiety and though takeout, leftover candy, Xanax, and fingernails were top contenders, it was the homemade comfort foods that were really craving. Matzoh ball soup. Mom’s casserole. Cookies.
But the winner of the anxiety binge was clear. During times of struggle, the pasta abides.
So if you want to escape from the woes of “TBD”, let’s dive into the anonymous love questions of the week, submitted by you and answered by me (a very unqualified source) with a pasta dish, a la anxiety.
REALITY BITES
“I go for the douchiest of guys over ones who are nicest to me.”
Dear Douche Hunter,
I get it. The bad boys make us sweat with a horny lust for adventure. The good girls need to take off their glasses and shake off their low ponytails to be taken seriously as vixens. I mean, look at the orange trash bag we have as a president. Despite fucking us over again and again and again, despite doing legitimate crimes and denying them over and over, despite making us all feel embarrassed to be in public with him, whispering “sorry, he gets like this sometimes,” despite knowing he’s bad for us - half our country still wants him back. We’re addicted to the douche, to the thrill of the unknowing, to the constant drama. We seek the asshole with the hope that maybe, for us, they’ll change.
They won’t change. And even if they do, giving a douche a second chance to work seems like a surefire way to get dysentery.
So, though they say we can’t help who we love, I believe we can re-learn our pathological habits for why we love the douches, and then, with lots of therapy and homemade meals, we can learn to love things that are better for us.
My advice? After securing a therapist, use disgusting foods to train yourself to physically reject the douches.
Every time you get the urge to text your douchebag kryptonite, or swoon when you see the type you know is bad news, instead, go for a reality bite. Your reality bite is a food that you hate, and it’s unique for every person. It could be something that disgusts you in texture, taste, or smell, or it could be something you only want on specific instances that otherwise makes you wince: Peeps. A squid snack from a Chinatown bodgea. Cherry tomatoes that are a little too warm. Whatever it is, pick your reality bite and stick with it. Consistency is key.
Whenever you see or hear or touch the douche you hate to love, eat your reality bite. In no time, your Pavlovian instincts will kick in and whenever a douche comes near, you’ll naturally puke in your turtleneck.
Since I can’t give you a recipe for horrible food. Here is a recipe for an amazing pasta dish you can reward yourself with when you start to realize how nice it is to be with a nice person. Or even how nice it is to be alone and not puking in your turtleneck.
Doucheless Pasta With Brown Butter, Whole Lemon, and Parmesan
1 lb. short tube pasta (such as paccheri or rigatoni)
Kosher salt
8 Tbsp. (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into pieces, divided
1 small regular lemon or Meyer lemon, very thinly sliced into rounds, seeds removed
1 oz. Parmesan, finely grated, plus more for serving
Freshly ground black pepper
Optional meat (I like sauteed ground beef or pork with a bit of salt, pepper and fennel added in at the end)
Step 1: Cook pasta in a large pot of boiling generously salted water, stirring occasionally, until very al dente, about 2 minutes less than package directions (pasta will finish cooking in the sauce).
Step 2: Meanwhile, heat half of the butter in a large Dutch oven or other heavy pot over medium until melted. Add lemon slices and cook, stirring often, until softened and bottom of pot is browned in spots, 5–7 minutes. Using tongs, transfer one-third of lemon slices to a plate; set aside.
Step 3: Just before pasta is al dente, scoop out 2 cups pasta cooking liquid. Add 1½ cups pasta cooking liquid to butter sauce. (This may seem like a lot of liquid, but it will thicken once the remaining ingredients are added.) Add remaining butter a piece at a time, whisking until each piece is incorporated before adding more until the sauce is emulsified and creamy.
Step 4: Drain pasta and add to sauce. Cook, stirring often and adding 1 oz. Parmesan a little at a time. Once all of the cheese is added, continue to cook, still stirring, until cheese is melted and sauce is creamy and clings to pasta, about 3 minutes. If sauce looks very thick, add more pasta cooking liquid 1–2 Tbsp. at a time to thin (saucier is ideal as it will thicken as it cools). Remove from heat and sprinkle with an almost ridiculous amount of pepper (about 2 tsp.); add precooked sauteed meat if you want it, toss once more.
Step 5: Serve pasta topped with reserved lemon rounds and more Parmesan.
Original recipe from Bon Apetit.
CARBS FOR YOUR WOES
“I’m stressed out! What should I eat?”
Dear Literally Everyone,
Now more than ever, let food be your source of happiness, comfort, and care. Carbs are the way to go, so find your woe below!
Exes coming out of the woodwork to “check-in” and tell you to “stay positive”?
Eat a lasagna to remind yourself of all the layers you have built between you and their drama.
Make: Tyler Florence’s Ultimate Lasagne.
Visit: Bar Pitty
Find yourself fighting with your significant other over almost everything?
Get thee to a pasta restaurant and give yourself some much-needed space. We can’t do this alone, but good god, we can’t always be together.
Visit: Forlini’s for the Panzerotti Piacentina.
Horny and stressed?
Rub one out, put on the Great British Baking Show, and curl up with a bowl of your favorite boxed mac and cheese. Easy. Cheesy. And just enough for one.
You’ll find love, but save yourself the extra stress and just enjoy your beautiful self for tonight.
Make: A baked Annie’s white cheddar mac and cheese dish.
And that’s the whole bowl, my lovers and eaters.
If you are looking to donate funds please give to some organizations like The Restaurant Worker’s Community Foundation, California Immigrant Resilience Fund, or ROC United that are helping undocumented and at-risk workers who have been laid off from the restaurant industry due to Covid-19.
Until next time, keep eating and submitting your questions below!
Love and Butter,
Kate
