The curse of the relationship addict
try being single, sexy and soup!
Every time I hookup with someone it turns into a serious relationship, which means I have only been single for about a month or two in total over the past 20 years. I’m a good lay - but no sex god. What am I doing wrong? I’m pretty sure I don’t exude “relationship material”
– Never Single
Dear Never Single,
The soup is always hotter on the other side, huh? The grass greener, the weed danker, the sex a bit sexier? With so many people looking to finally find “their person”, it seems like your people are easy to come by! You couldn’t stay single even if you tried… or have you tried?
As I always say, if something keeps happening to you - a string of toxic partners or multiple food poisonings from the Mexican Jewish deli - who is the common denominator in the situation? It’s you. You’re the problem, it’s you.
But since I know nothing about Taylor Swift and have no right to quote her, instead I’ll quote the profound advice columnist Ask Polly (my forever inspiration and a must follow here on Substack) from her recent advice to a woman stuck in a bad relationship:
“Ironically, feeling very lonely within a relationship can make you feel increasingly terrified of being alone.”
So, Never Single, I ask you: Is it really your partners who have kept you in relationships for 98% of your adult life? Or is it your profound fear of being absolutely alone with yourself that keeps you from setting boundaries to stay single? Is it you who fears a life of eating cold soup alone? Because, buddy, even sex gods don’t land themselves in 20 years of relationships like you.
It’s time to take responsibility: you are relationship material whether you think so or not. These relationships aren’t happening to you, they’re happening with you. So why do you keep commiting? And perhaps the bigger question: why are you so worried about your predilection to make things serious?
It’s no wonder people want to be in a relationship with you if you are a smart, kind, loving person - which it sounds like you are. The dating pool is filled with commitment-phobes and it’s exhausting! A man will cum on your chest one moment and the next declare they “have to work early in the morning” just to keep you from thinking there is a future of staying the night! So it’s probably pretty refreshing when someone meets you, a commitment-fiend open to making it official, who doesn’t try to get them to leave while the cum is still wet. You can’t blame the hard working singles in search of a more than a hook up for locking it down with someone who seemingly likes be locked down. So you need to ask yourself why you keep finding yourself taken.
Is your life chaotic and it’s comforting to have some consistency with who you come home to?
Are you scared of being alone?
Do you string long term relationships together so you don’t need to figure out who you are without someone else?
Or do you just love love and are boring like the rest of us - comfortable in comfort with only dreams of fucking the town red?
It’s ok to be a relationship person! But it’s not ok to go around ashamed of it. And you won’t be able to really find out why you are addicted to being in a relationship while in a relationship.
It’s time to break your cycle and make being alone the priority, at least for a year. It’s time to leave your relationship and try this single life you feel like you’ve missed out on.
Try having crushes, not commitments. Be upfront with your hook ups right away or maybe don’t hook up at all (since people seemingly can’t resist you). Save up all that relationship energy and use it when you really want it, not when you feel you need it. For now, “Passover” the urge to feel comfortable and taken care of, and instead be one of those people who happily eats their soup alone at the Deli counter, waiting for The One to get serious with.
Singles only matzoh ball soup
In the spirit of Passover and passing over urges, here is Alison Roman’s Matzoh ball soup that I made for a Seder last week. You don’t need to be Jewish (or support Israel) to feel comfort in a good matzoh ball - it’s basically a relationship in a ball. And yes, this recipe is made for 8 people, but don’t be scared to cut the recipe in half and enjoy it utterly alone. I’ve reheated our leftovers multiple times over the week, hidden myself away, and pretended I too am single, sexy and soup.
