The Ex's 6th Sense
And how to go cold turkey... sandwich
It’s a long one this week so I’ll spare my rambling about motherhood and existence and just say: If you are in New York, you must go see the play Oh Mary! by Cole Escola. It’s an unhinged reimagining of the story of Mary Todd Lincoln and it is completely deranged, hilarious, beautiful, and false. Lin-Manuel Miranda HIMSELF was in the audience. Dare I say the theater is BACK, baby? I dare not. But it did remind me that participating in culture is a life necessity, especially art that happens live and can’t be rewound because I missed the entire plot while scrolling mindlessly through my phone. So go outside, see art, eat food, fuck people, fall in love, break up, submit your relationship questions, and live!
But, of course, read this first.
My Ex completely ended our relationship a year ago, after a conversation went awry in my kitchen. It was so abrupt! Hurtful! No closure! He moved on swiftly, seemingly without a scratch, and has had a couple girlfriends since (he goes through them quickly). He still, however, keeps in touch with me, in ways that are very confusing... and I'd be lying if I said it didn't fluster me (the feeling being both good & bad, in that really conflicted, fucked up way). This year I REALLY want to be unbothered by this and move on. What to cook for a final reflection and total digestion!?
- EXtremeley Over It
Dearest EXtremely Over It,
There is a scientifically proven phenomenon that happens post-breakup, after weeks/months/years of grief and tears and stalking and blocking numbers and unblocking numbers and zooming in on cryptic stories and ranting to friends and swearing you’re over it, but then breaking down in the strip club bathroom and ranting to the bathroom attendant/dancers/other sad folks… that a day comes where you wake up, make your coffee, go about your life and suddenly realize: YOU DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF THEM. And then, before you can even enjoy the feeling and post a hot selfie - they text.
Scientifically we call this “subconscious neurotransmitter blocking.” My mom calls it “men smelling your power and coming out of the woodwork to steal it back.” I call it: “The Ex’s Sixth Sense.” No matter what happened in your break up, if it was a big blow-out or one of those delusional “we can be friends” situations or in your case, EXtremely, a weird limbo of the two, there comes a time when one person needs to actually move on. This triggers a subconscious reflex in The Ex. They can “smell” that you are happy, leading them to try to maintain their legacy (or power) by letting you know they still exist. Often, they don’t even want to get back together. They just don’t want to be forgotten.
In the case of the Ex’s Sixth Sense, you, EXtremely, are Bruce Willis and your Ex is Haley Joel Osment. You are convinced that this little boy won’t leave you alone, that he is over you but keeps stringing you along with confusing messages despite dating other people and saying that it’s done. You are sure that (spoiler alert) he is the one that sees dead people, but in reality, EXtremely, the little boy doesn’t exist. He is the ghost. And here’s the twist: you are The Ex.
You are the one that can’t stand to be forgotten. You are the one sensing the other person is moving on and refusing to let go. You see the ghost of a relationship and pretend that it’s a reality.
It’s not your fault. Things ended abruptly and you didn’t have closure - this is how ghosts are made, after all. But as long as you allow yourself to be in touch with your Ex, you will continue to be haunted by the past and block both of your abilities to truly move on and be happy. And while it takes two to tango, it sounds like your Ex has tried to move on: dating and “going through them quickly” is exactly how we get over our big loves. And maybe his confusing messages are confusing because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by fully cutting things off? He, too, is conflicted - he’s just a little ghost boy!
So unlike M. Night Shyamalan, it’s time for you to take control of the narrative; to get closure and let go. Sit your Ex down, rehash the breakup and really try to listen. Ask the hard questions and be ready for the hard answers. You will not be unbothered as you hoped, but that’s good. Being vulnerable hurts but it helps the wound heal healthier. And when you feel like you’ve gotten some clarity, tell him that it’s time for you both to take space apart. No texting or following each other on IG or stalking each other at the child therapist’s office. For at least six months. This breakup needs to be cold turkey.
And while you wait, rewatch The Sixth Sense and go get a cold turkey sandwich.
BREAKUP COLD TURKEY SANDWICH
The cold turkey sandwich is a staple in every breakup recovery. No matter where you are, you can get one for cheap or make one for even cheaper. My go to is: Sausalito turkey, pepper jack cheese, tomato, mustard, mayo, hot peppers or jalapeños, topped with salt and vinegar kettle chips, available at any deli or made at my house with a sourdough baguette and added avocado.
But since everyone has their go to, I decided to tap the hive mind to find out where in the world to get the best breakup cold turkey sandwich. Travel the world! Try them all! Just don’t you dare text your Ex.
New York
Williamsburg, BK. Brooklyn Gourmet Deli on Bedford & S 2nd
Fort Greene, BK. Finest Deli & Smoke Shop on Fort Greene Place & Fulton
Greenpoint, BK. Anthony & Son Pannini Shop on Frost Street & Graham Ave
Montauk, NY. Herb’s Market get “The Mayflower”
California
Alemeda, CA. Domenico’s Italian Deli
Woodacre, CA. Woodacre Country Mart & Deli
Los Angeles, CA. Canter’s Deli
Seattle
Ravenna, Seattle. Seven Coffee Roasters Market & Cafe
CDMX
Roma Norte, CDMX. La Miga
Condesa, CDMX. Saint
Send me your favorite place to get a turkey sando and I’ll keep adding to this list for eons to come.