What I Wonton Wants Me Too

Beware the teens

Apr 10, 2024

I write to you from the moist wooded innards of a bustling Colorado ski lodge, happily perched with a hot toddy and a bundled sleeping baby as my husband flings himself down a mountain in freezing temperatures. One run was enough for my shattered postpartum core, and now I get to be the château mommy of my dreams - if the château were more of a mess hall filled with sunburned teens and stale French fries. Sitting here feeling very American, I realized 1) teen boys are all versions of an evil Jacob Ellordi character and I will have one eventually, and 2) grown women are allowed to wear pigtails in the context of snow.

It’s taking me on a spiral - am I going to have to give my son love advice one day? Will he wear a ball chain necklace and Jnco jeans like my middle school crushes did? Am I pulling off these pigtails? Luckily the whiskey is working and I can dive in to the next lovesick query in peace - or until my little pre-pre-preteen awakens and demands a Red Bull.

While you are spiraling into such of terror, why not submit a question here?!

What do I do if the person I’m having sex with feels really distant? What if I’m scared of being rejected and they seem to be in their own world and not fully present?
- distant and confused

Dear d & c,

There must be something in the air because everyone around me is suddenly very single. As a non-single entrapped in the throes of an unsexy schedule and a fine film of baby vomit, this is a very exciting time. Us non-singles get to live vicariously through our friends who have the freedom to follow a spontaneous sexual encounter, stay up late, have exploratory sex that lasts more than the allotted 7 minutes, go to work with cum in the hair, etc. etc. etc. We get to bask in the drama like it is our own, leaning in close at our girls night out to hear the single’s tall tales as we silently count the babysitter’s hours in our heads, remembering way back when when we too were living in a choose your own adventure.

But the non-singles forget, with freedom comes a constant anxiety. Will they text? Should I text? Do they like me? Do I even like them? Where is this going? This anxiety usually dissipates when you find yourself in the comforting monotony of a relationship (with a partner or offspring or a demanding job), but then you almost start to crave the unknown. You begin to miss the spontaneity, that unsettled feeling, the anything could happen thrill. But as you sit and listen to the single stories you also remember: that sexy fire that propels your single self is a coping mechanism to get through the anxiety of the “not knowing,” and it is a power like no other.

I say this, distant and confused, because you have more power than you think you do. Sex that feels one-sided or distant is excruciating - it’s easy to spiral to a place where it’s your fault, where you aren’t enough to satisfy them, where you are the one who will be left. The anxiety of not knowing can be crippling, but you, d&c, are tapped in, emotionally available, and self aware. This is not just in your head, and if it is, you deserve more cues to keep you from feeling this way.

As a tween who couldn’t handle the anxiety of not knowing, I would often just come right up to my crush in the middle of recess and ask them: “I like you, do you like me?” I’m not saying this got me many dates, but I will say it helped me cut the anxiety. No games, no wondering, just honesty. If they didn’t like me I was free to move on, and if they somehow did… then damn they should show it a bit better. The truth is, usually if someone isn’t showing it, isn’t present, they aren’t in it. So you need to confront the fear and ask them straight: “Do you like me?”

We are all scared of being rejected but that doesn’t mean we should be wasting our time on those that aren’t fully present or ready. And you as a single should definitely not be having mediocre, distant sex - if not for yourself than for us non-singles. Your sexcapades are here to entertain us! One of my beautifully single friends at our girls dinner told me that when she is confronted with the anxiety of not knowing she repeats the mantra:

What I want wants me back.

Let’s all let that sink in. Single or non-single, scary teen or pigtailed millennial, what you want wants you, too. In your dating life or career, or even your happily comfortable and risk-free relationship, trust that what you want is out there wanting you. But you need to ask for it. Don’t settle for not being wanted, don’t settle for not wanting. Be honest and direct and present. Bring the rejection on. It will only fuel your sexy single energy and lead you to what wants you - and give us non singles something to entertain us.

And in the spirit of want… why not drown those anxious feelings in some always comforting wontons? I asked the world (and Google) the best wonton spots and got a varied response (FYI a wonton is a dumpling but a dumpling isn’t always a wonton… but we will let that slide). So chime in with your favorite wonton/dumpling/pirogi spot, place your order, and repeat the manta: What I Wonton Wants Me Too.

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Where to get your wontons…