Who wants a lobotomy?
when mom is on Tinder
I’ve finally pulled the trigger. After years of threatening that thing that all women say they will do at some point in their young lives: I’m going to get bangs. I was a bang girl for most of my 20s and it seems like a mistake to go back now, a person closer to 40 and having much less fun, but my postpartum shedding has created a Bridgerton-esque halo of micro curls along my hairline that need to be dealt with. For those of you who don’t know, pregnancy gives you a couple perks, including thick, luxurious hair, but what most people don’t tell you is that this is actually just a cruel trick into boosting your self-esteem before you are reduced to a post-baby creature: constantly dirty, wobbly in new wondrous ways, and confusingly fuzzy everywhere. You don’t lose ANY hair while pregnant, thus the gorgeous mane, but you lose ALL OF THAT HAIR AT ONCE, four months after giving birth. This means constant fear the baby will tourniquet his penis with a stray hair and lots of apologizing when your hairball of strays you collected through the day falls out of your purse at therapy. And then, right about now, you realize all those hairs growing back in the front of your head are not only thin and puffy, but they are completely gray - creating a look I can only compare to Trump’s recent debate blow out.
Speaking of aging gracefully, enjoy this month’s question that is definitely not sent by my mother (and I wouldn't know - it’s anonymous!). And please, submit your own love and lust questions soon before I truly enter the dark side of my late-30s-crisis and get a tooth gem.
At my advanced age, dating is nice but sex can be traumatic, mostly because seeing an old man naked is very scary! And the payoff just ain’t what it used to be. I have decided that every man who thinks he can offer great sex after 70 should get a lobotomy; I might get one myself to forget all those bad experiences! A spoonful of sugar will make the operation go down easier, but not so much as to encourage diabetes - do you have any recipes for the recently lobotomized?
- Mindless or Mature
Hello MOM, so glad to know you are having sex in your advanced age. And while I too wish I could get a lobotomy after this conversation, I think your question is actually an ageless one: how do we keep the baggage from past relationships from fucking up our future ones? And, as we age, how do we reconcile the changes in our bodies with the societal expectations of what sex looks like at any age?
Sure, dating today isn’t what it used to be. Studies show that about one in ten partnered couples meet their partners through dating apps or online - and this goes for the geriatric set, too. MOM, I know you’re on The Apps, like we all are, and I get the struggle. You’re presented up front with the person’s dating resume: their relationship intentions, their favorite song, their politics, and their image (as they want to be seen). It’s not a bad thing. It often helps weed out the red flags before putting in the time, but it sure takes the mystery out of the meet-cute.
When we meet someone online, we already have an idea in our head of who they are, whether or not that vision is a reality, and most of a first date is trying to balance expectation with realization. A voice with a body, a hairline with a photo, IRL charisma with texting ability. Put sex into the mix and the original vision of that perfect mate tends to dwindle even more. And even if we do meet the “old fashioned way” (aka at a bar or through friends), we still have great expectations that fade away as the reality of the person sets in.
For many, the longer we are in the dating pool - whether you are 25 or 75 - the harder it gets. Call it an emotional burnout or the boredom of answering the same five questions over and over on every first date, being a dating human in the modern world means carrying an ever growing heap of disappointments, insecurities, and grudges along with us. With each encounter we drag our pile of relationship baggage behind us, gathering more weight and trash with each let down, creating an ever-growing tumbleweed of negative memories.
It all sounds exhausting, thinking of aging like this. The idea that time weighs you down, that every experience cripples you further, making you more and more unable to perform and thus adding more and more bad experiences to your pile. A self fulfilling prophecy. Sisyphus with his big old pile of messy past fucks, trying forever to make it up the hill. When we think of age and dating like this, yes, a lobotomy sounds like the only way out.
But what if instead of a Greek tragedy, you thought of dating like my lovely, delusionally positive Pisces friend? After getting out of a long term relationship and getting back into dating, she told me that having sex with new partners felt like she was absorbing new energy in completely new ways. It wasn’t baggage getting in the way but a sharing of bindles of past experiences, a trading of sexual knick-knacks collected along the way. An opportunity to get rid of the old weight, teach each other, and carry a new lighter load.
Yes, sex in later life is not what it used to be, so why try to pretend like it is? Why put the sexpectations of our youth on to the reality of right now? You know who you are. You have no fear of getting pregnant or pressure of “settling down.” In fact, many women find a boost in horniness after 65 that might have cooled during menopause. So why not start with a clean slate and fuck like teens again, but this time empowered with all the experience of your full life? This deep dive from NYMag aboutsex after 70 is a great snapshot of couples of all types finding a new definition of sexuality in later life. The real challenge is reconciling that sex might not look exactly like what it did in your 20s, but that it can be even better than before.
Time to leave the baggage back in the Dark Ages and celebrate the reality and beauty of all the aging parts, with none of the pressure of your youth. Sex is much more out in the open now, so let it be. There are toys and they don’t need to be hidden. There is porn, like always, but it’s easier to find something you might actually like. There is a wide world of kink to explore. Figure out what you like, what you don’t, and open your mind to the positive. A lobotomy is a cop out.
Once you’ve done a little digging to find out what you are really looking for in a sexual partner, open The Apps again, and tell the cutest old dude out there you’d like to make him some of my mom’s delicious, denture-friendly Gazpacho and try out some new tricks together, judgment-free.
Mama Messinger’s Sexy Grandma Gazpacho
This recipe is one of my favorites my mom makes and is a super easy, yet classy, light meal to offer to a potential lover. Gather up the best end-of-summer tomatoes, pop a little blue pill, and blend away.
