Will a baby derail your career? Yes.

But maybe that's a good thing.

Happy Holidays lovers,

Last week my son turned One. He also got some got some medieval daycare virus called hoof and mouth, learned to ram his head against the crib so it moves to the middle of the room, ate a bunch of pâté from our French neighbors, said something that I’m pretty sure was our dog’s name, licked the dog’s tongue as the dog was licking him, stood by the window and waved, put a toy back in the box, and a million other things I’ve already forgotten. All this to say, in my mind, the milestone of One would stand on it’s own as one perfect memory - blowing out candles and hitting the piñata and guzzling cow’s milk for the first time - but in fact it is exactly what life is: a bunch of small stones cobbled together on a path to somewhere we can’t even imagine yet.

So in the wake of this emotional sugar hangover that is a “milestone” of having a kid, and since we are getting into family overload season, I thought this week’s baby do-I-don’t-I question was the perfect fit. Use me as an excuse to escape the holiday crazy and sneak off to submit your anonymous questions here - quick, before I too get the daycare plague.

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I am with the man of my literal dreams. We’ve been together a long time. Everything basically rocks. However, I am an artist and I want to accomplish a lot in my career (snore such a woman). When we decided to marry, I was unsure I wanted a child. I remain, unsure, in fact, bristle at the idea of sacrificing anything for anyone that will get in the way of my goals (again, I kind of hate myself for this?) He’s ready to rock in baby land. I am resistant. We are in our 30s, the FIRST half. We’re considering IVF to kick the can down the road a bit. I also like the idea of having the information IVF allows you to have, so I’m kind of stoked on it. I’m warming to the idea of baby. I realize I don’t want to die without one. But his urgency makes me want to scream and run and rage the day away. What is this career driven loose artist sensitive soul woman to do with all this pent up KEEP YOUR SPERM AWAY FROM ME anger?

- She’d like to stay young for just 10 more years.

Dear She’d Like to Stay Young,

Wouldn’t we all! Women have been chanting “TEN MORE YEARS” since the dawn of time, but alas, the tickity tock of the bio clock seems to always drown out our pleas. If becoming a pregnant person taught me anything, it’s that I would hate to do this if I didn’t want to do this. Motherhood is your choice (as it should be for all), so ultimately, and thankfully for now, it’s up to you if you want to start a family. But you’re not wrong - it will change everything, and the fear is not unjustified.

If the biological pressure of it all weren’t enough, there’s also the fact that the world doesn’t totally feel like a great place to introduce a tiny being into right now. Factor in a career as a woman in the art world, it’s enough to double bolt that chastity belt and throw away the key. Yes, having a kid will derail your career, it will derail your relationship, it will derail your body and your house, and basically anything else you ever had control over before - but, it won’t ruin it. At least for me, in my short experience as a mom, going off the rails, losing control, and committing to another human (not sacrificing for) is actually making me emotionally, physically and creatively stronger than I ever was before. After giving birth, I started writing this newsletter again, and stuck with it, feeling more creative than I have in years, despite the added time and energy required of parenthood. I felt an urgency like never before to do a thing that was completely for me - there’s something about the constraints that make the creative process a bit easier, forcing me to be less precious or calculated or self conscious and just write. It’s hard work but the work feels right - for me.

Before we even get into your choice, stop blaming yourself for wanting a career and for caring about your own well-being. No matter what you choose, that guilt won’t serve you or anyone else. Let it go and be proud to be “such a woman, snore.” You are not wrong to be unsure, you are not wrong to be scared of the changes this choice will bring. Honestly, I’m still scared and unsure, while also knowing I made the right choice. I believe all these feelings can exist in duality and opposition, and to me that’s exactly what parenthood is - the continuous work of balancing the seemingly opposing sides: fear and joy, pain and happiness, exhaustion and drive, nurturing yourself while nurturing another.

Second, your partner needs to stop with the pressure – we get enough of that internally and societally. It sounds like you have an open door to talk about these issues with him, so start that conversation now. He needs to know that his yearning for a kid isn’t helping your choice, and I suggest sharing ALL your worries with him now, because they won’t just magically disappear if you do become a parent. Talk about what being a parent with him would look like. Who will work, and when? How will you continue your art practice in the first few months before daycare is an option, and beyond? What are you scared of? What do you need from him?

Third, the big one: how to work while mother. There has been a lot of talk about motherhood in the art world with advocates on both sides: Maria Abramovic touting her success to never having children, artists like Patti Smith “going dark” and leaving fame to raise a family, Rhianna doing it all while having two under two, groups like @ArtistsandMothers creating communities where the two can exist together and be supported throughout with grants and child-friendly residencies. The world has a lot to say.

A recent T Magazine article discusses the history of the conversation, and the inability for mother artists to ever truly “clock out.” That even beyond the mother giving time and energy to being the main caregiver in the first year (and often beyond), that emotionally separating the two “jobs” is almost impossible, and therefore shown through the artist’s work. Artsy’s 2016 editorial, You Can Be a Mother and Still Be a Successful Artist, discusses how the question of being a parent and an artist is rarely raised to male artists. “No one presumes it’s going to change [a man’s] work,” Kara Walker says in the piece, “their work is their work and their private life is their private life.”

Since it takes a village, I reached out to some artist moms I know and got their take on how motherhood has effected their work:

“Privileged to say I will not waste time or give energy to something that doesn’t serve me.”

“Your brain is completely different after having a baby. MRI imaging proves it! And I’ve felt less driven.”

“It makes me way less interested in doing work that doesn’t bring me joy.”

“It’s made me less precious, which has been both good and bad for me.”

“I have to move with less meditation. Just go with my gut a bit more.”

“I have to squeeze in [making work] now and don’t have time to let my mind wander.”

“It made me ambitious and focused. I have something to fight for now and less time to worry about it.”

Less precious. More joy. Less time. More focus. I’d argue these changes in how we work are natural to any growing, changing human. To me, whether it’s you telling yourself that having a kid will derail your career or the world telling you it will, it doesn’t matter. Your life will change, as it does with any big life shift, and with it likely your work. But isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t that life? Isn’t that art? The big bangs that shake us up and make us who we are? Might as well ride the quake, Bro.

Whatever your decision, I’ve found that a list always helps me lessen the anxiety of looming events, whether or not they become reality. Here is a quick list of things you can do to hopefully narrow down your decision.

1. Get checked out. Both of you. Make sure the sperm you’ve been running away from is up to snuff, and make a fertility appointment for you. It’a a great way to know just what you are working with (they can literally count the eggs you have and give you a general time-frame of when things start to get dire), and what you realistically may need to do for IVF down the line.

2. Talk to your partner about your fears and apprehensions. Then talk about what you both would love about being parents. We often focus on the negatives, but having a kid is actually one of the most fun and exciting experiences I’ve had as a human. Artists are constantly inspired by their children, and make some of their most profound work after becoming mothers. I would also try to reframe the way you think about the whole experience - rather than a sacrifice, motherhood is a commitment. Rather than casting shame on yourself around wanting a career, celebrate that drive and ambition that you have. Do your research and make your own decision, not the one that society tells you to make.

3. Know that there’s never a perfect time. Something will always come up that makes a big change seem. But since time is reality here, a rough deadline or age may be a necessity. Then push it forward by a year just so the urgency isn’t so all-consuming. Things take time and that’s ok.

4. Get thee to a therapist. Fellow mom and writer of the Substack Don’t Forget to Call Mom, Courtney Falsey said, “Parenting is re-parenting yourself.” And damn is that true. Start working on exploring your relationship with having a child now. It might reveal where some of those fight or flight responses developed.

5. Cook it out. Things feel less uncertain when you’ve got a recipe to follow and a meal to soothe the anxiety. So just for fun, here’s an easy dish suitable for both adults and babies. It’s my son’s favorite food, and can be both a sexy appetizer or a perfect, unexpected Thanksgiving side: miso sweet potatoes.

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BABY MAKING MUSH FOR ADULTS: Caramelized Miso Sweet Potato

We have sweet potatoes as a staple for the mostly toothless boyman living in my house, but there are ways to make this dish perfect for adults and your whole Thanksgiving crew. After roasting the sweet potato at 425 F for about 30 min and keeping half for the baby, cut it open length wise, mush in a mix of 1tsp butter and 1tsp miso to both sides, and roast it open face for another 5 minutes to get it bubbly. Add a squirt of lime on top. Or use this NYTimes recipe for even more of an upgrade.

For those without kids: Feed it to each other seductively and let the baby making begin.

For those with kids: Eat it ravenously in silence with your partner before inevitably falling asleep watching Law & Order.