YES CHEF
The safe word is ramen.
Another week, another uncountable number of hours spent breastfeeding, staring off into the distance with unquenchable thirst and my water bottle just out of grasp. Life is interesting when you are suddenly the source of life, but at the same time have no “life” (or at least as you knew it in your 20s). But it’s also so freeing: to be unshackled of the pressure to go out or “do” anything, to be totally content staying up late (past 9pm!) writing this on a Saturday night, baby fast asleep.
Why does it take a life change to make you realize it’s ok to act your age? Luckily, I have your burning hot questions to keep me young (and a partner who is ok being told to constantly fetch my water bottle and bring it to my couch nest).
Keep the questions coming, my hungry, horny readers, and I’ll keep on with my unsolicited advice and boob musings.
Let’s do this.
How does one find a way to cook with their partner if they are going Top Chef with every meal and you just want to dice an onion without a 20 minute lesson in knife skills?
- Knife Bitch
Dear Knife Bitch,
Did you know, the kitchen isn’t far from the bedroom? I’m not just talking about the layout of your apartment, which if it’s like mine, somehow funnels all kitchen smells directly into my pillow. Cooking has a sexiness that boosts the senses, turns up the heat, allows things to get a little messy and hopefully, ends in satisfied party guests and a long nap. But just like in the bedroom, the kitchen has a tendency to bring out our deepest neuroses.
The mess-maker. The control freak. The under-seasoner. The over-improvisor. In your case, Knife Bitch, it sounds like you’ve got a culinary know-it-all on your hands, and as a result, you have become the sous chef bitch. Sure, teacher/student role play can be fun, but who wants to be told how to make whoopie (pie, that is) while they’re in the middle of making it? Exploration is part of the fun of cooking, and you have every right to be able to dice that onion the way you want without a lecture killing the mood. And since commenting on the way our partner cooks might be even more taboo than talking about their sex tendencies, I suggest doing things the old fashion way: Dom that little know-it-all.
The next meal you make, you take control. Choose a safe word, put on a little leather apron, and set the rules. No comments, no suggestions, no touching - gag ball your partner if you have to to get them to obey. For this meal they will chop, dice, mince, and stir only when you direct them. They will follow your recipe and only reply YES, CHEF. Or, if you are a real freak, simply make them watch you cook “incorrectly,” writhing in agony as you chop an onion in rough, inconsistently sized chunks.
Tonight, my powerful, sexy Knife Bitch, you are the Top Chef.
DOM RAMEN
This method can work with any meal you want to cook (you choose the recipe, you are the master!) but try picking something that requires a lot of prep - you want your Sub to work hard for their meal! I love this ramen recipe because it not only has lots of ingredients and mise en place, is super delicious and adjustable (vegetarian, spicy, add ons, etc), but it also looks way more complicated than it actually is. Who’s the know-it-all now, bitch!
