Parental Discretion

What to cook to impress the in-laws.

A week spent with over 20 in-laws anywhere could be considered a nightmare scenario for some, but last week’s vacation to brother-in-law’s remote lake house was a true delusion of what life could be like if I lived in a commune. Hordes of teens entertaining the baby with TikTok dances as I took a real nap and read many pages of a real book. A grandma happy to feed him mushed up whatever while I was able to cook, undisturbed, in a giant, fully stocked kitchen with water views. I was even able to write this newsletter in a pool floaty with no obligation to be social, an inconspicuous mom happily ignored amongst the small talk. If this were my extended family all together in one place, I would be in psychic terror trying to keep everyone happy while making sure the pressure-gauge of rapidly building tension stayed somewhere between “backhanded compliment” and “inappropriate story” without ever getting to full “Kate has a panic attack and dad falls in the pool” level.

Here there are no fights. No judgement as long as you chip in. These Midwesterners know how to get along and make things easy (to my continued astonishment) for everyone. Our land is your land, our snacks are your stacks, your baby is my baby. 

Unfortunately, not all have the delight of having their partner’s family be super helpful and mild-tempered. In fact, most don’t - like our question today. So this being a family matter, I needed the input of the teens and parents on the dock. 

Remember, all the submissions here are anonymous to keep the dignity of the inquirer intact.  I couldn’t even gossip about you to strangers if I wanted, so please drop your questions and love, lust and life here.

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Straight man, here. My girlfriend’s parents don’t like me. Seemingly no reason why. She and I have a good relationship, but I’m not sure if it’s going to get like “this is my partner” serious. If the parents weren’t an issue, I’d def want to pursue it further. But they live nearby and she’s tight with them. She says she doesn’t care, but it’s annoying. Should I try to win them over? Just not give a fuck? Or end the relationship for the sake of convenience?

- Parental Discretion

Dear PD,

This sparked quite a debate on the lakeside. We have young people in their first relationships and older folks who have been married for decades, those who married into families with great in-laws and others who weren’t so lucky, even a few young kids who chimed in that they definitely couldn’t be with anyone their parents didn’t like (when we grow into teenagers we know this is quite the opposite, that dating someone your parents hate is a great joy, but getting into our 30s the sentiment tends to reemerge). 

The consensus: your girlfriend’s parents might be hard crabs to crack, but if you really wanted her you’d be trying much harder to get to the meat. 

You’re not sure it will get serious. But you would want to if the parents liked you? She doesn’t care, but do you wish she would? You say you could end the relationship out of convenience, but what is that convenience? Is it actually just fear of being rejected or a convenience because it’s an easy way out of something you don’t want to be in in the first place? In short: Loves me or loves me not?  

The thing about parents is, we can’t help but be protective. For some this may come out as an animalistic urge to scream “get your hands off my baby” and chase the farm hand out of the barn with a pitchfork. For others, it’s apathy: why should her parents give you the time of day when they can instinctively smell you’re not in it for the long haul? 

My dad literally called every one of my boyfriends the same name for 20 years until the long haul came along (shout out to that guy who I dated for maybe two weeks in high school that lodged himself in my dad’s brain as the ideal, only because he was probably gay). Similarly, I thought my life was over at 19 after my first real heartbreak and all my mom said was - they’ll be others. 

The parents know. 

Yes, they are often wrong but - sorry to say - they are usually right. If the parents don’t like you and she’s close to them, most likely it won’t work out. But if you prove you’re not some frisky farm boy, just in it for a roll in the hay, maybe bad daddy will invite you inside for a nice warm casserole and a sip of moonshine before really opening up… (ok maybe I need to explore writing some farmer erotica and not give this gold away for free). 

No mater the scenario, the choice is up to you: Do you want to be part of this family or not? Are you willing to put in the work or not? Who is your daddy (in law)? It’s a test, and it’s perfectly honorable to take the fail and go your separate ways. 

But if you do choose to stay, there’s a sure-fire way to show her parents (and her) you’re “in it for the right reasons” - cook them a meal. And since these parents are big buck status, you’ll have to whip out the big guns. Find a dish that shows you considered them personally - is the mom a vegetarian? Does the dad stay away from spice? Get this intel and find a dish that you can make to impress. 

As a people pleaser I’ve always been great with parents. It might be easier as a woman in some ways to start off on the right foot, but I like to think part of my in with the ‘rentals is due to my spring roll recipe. 

I make them every year at the lake house and the 20 in-laws are always blown away.  I’m the cool aunt of your culinary dreams, ultimate daughter-in-law, trophy wife, etc., etc., etc. Here’s why it’s fool proof: you can make meat or tofu, or both, to satisfy all tastes. There is a lot of prep, but it takes minimal technique, so it is instantly impressive. And most importantly, the build-your-own-adventure activity of rolling them in rice paper is a great way to break the tension (“Oops Daddy’s spring roll is just too big!”). No matter what, it will show you care, which if you truly do, will get closer to the meat. 

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PARENT PANTY DROPPER SPRING ROLLS

I use this NYTimes recipe for all the ingredients, including the marinade, which is great for both beef and tofu, but instead of a salad I buy some spring roll wrappers, lightly dunk them in water for a second, and then wrap it up! You can use any leftovers for the salad the next day.

It takes some time to get the perfect roll but my advice is 1) don’t overstuff! and 2) the rice paper only needs a dunk of water, it will loosen up and be able to roll, despite it feeling dry… Should I start an only fans?