What to eat when you might cheat

is a little sexy texty with your exy so bad?

We’ve finally become annoying. Ok, sure, I’ve always been annoying, but usually that side of my personality is reserved for my husband or my mother, and only in the courtesy of my own home. Up until now I’ve never been an annoying restaurant patron. I tip well and never send back food even if I should. I’m basically serving the servers; giving just enough chit-chat and adhering to table clearing etiquette so they know, subtly, that I too worked in the restaurant industry. But this week our family unit crossed the threshold and became that couple with a screaming kid trying to eat in a nice restaurant. 

I knew the day would come when I would be banished from adult activities, relegated to the land of pizza joints and kids meals where your own shrieker can’t be heard amongst the other whiners and screamers. But I truly thought I’d have more time pretending I’m a cool mom who can eat out in public – at least until our Lil’ Siren turns one next month. Guess babies don’t give a fuck about our arbitrary milestones.

So here I am, writing this month’s column unexpectedly alone at the bougie Chinese spot, eating the rest of the cold General Taos that my husband left for me (I took The Shrieker for a spin around the block first, while he finished his portion, and now he took the baby while I finish mine.) Writing here as the waiters give me silent kudos for removing The Scream from the situation, I realize the beautiful adult dinners aren’t gone. They’ll just be blissfully, silently alone - at least for the next year.

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Hi EYF,

I’m in a long-term, loving, fun, generally easy and very rewarding relationship. Pretty much no complaints. I’m also in touch with an ex. We chat on text and sometimes it gets a little flirty. Just cute stuff, some memories, never anything overtly sexual. My partner knows we’re in touch but doesn’t know about the flirting. Again, nothing sexual in chats with the ex, although I occasionally will have some mild after-the-fact fantasies. Also, there’s zero chance that the ex or I would ever make an actual move if we were to even see each other in person. But is my e-flirting problematic?

- Text Or Not

This week I listened to a conversation between world-renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel and artist/ filmmaker/ writer Miranda July about her new book All Fours, which every person should go read right now. It was more of a therapy session than an interview (as is Perel’s MO), dissecting the main character’s self-discovery through an “emotional affair” during perimenopause.

According to Perel, the term “emotional affair” is a very American way of thinking - we try to make the distinction between sexual and emotional cheating and assign one as worse than the other. I’m not saying you’re little sexy texty with your exy is necessarily an affair, Text Or Not, but the fact that you’re asking the question seems to me that you are feeling a bit of shame or guilt around your actions. The terms of every relationship, and what a couple considers out of bounds, are unique to the players - so have you made rules with your partner? Are these texts just texts? Or do they represent a shimmer of something else to come?

The thing is - as Perel believes it at least - humans are always looking for a balance between security and freedom, and a relationship is no different. We naturally seek comfort and get cozy when we make it “official,” and that security often replaces the mystery or excitement that we had while dating. Once comfortable and secure, we naturally feel the urge to push the boundaries - like toddlers peeking back at Mom, making sure she’s still there as they go explore and destroy the precarious book shelf.

It’s a push and pull - trying to keep it spicy while also allowing for secure intimacy. Too much boring routine might push someone to seek out that spark somewhere else. Not enough security, without setting properly agreed upon boundaries, usually leaves one partner feeling untethered and the other untrusting.

Perel, in her years of experience counseling couples, found that in most relationships where an affair takes place, physically or emotionally or both, the “cheater” just wanted to “feel alive again.” So what is it that’s drawing you towards these flirty texts, the fantasies, the insisting it would never be something real - no way, no how? Is the comfort of your stable relationship feeling a bit too squishy? Are you looking back at Mom, about to throw the books off the shelf just to get a reaction?

A long time ago, after years together my first long-time boyfriend, I began a string of seemingly harmless actions that ultimately led to a string of affairs. It started with an intense fling on a trip abroad, and a promise to myself it was just a fluke - I wasn’t a cheater, this was just a one time crime of passion. What happens on Birthright stays on Birthright!¹ But the feeling of being desired, wanted, ravaged in a way that my long term partner just couldn’t or wouldn’t do any more, nestled within me like a tapeworm.

A few months later I pushed the boundaries again, this time with an “emotional affair” with someone at our local coffee shop, right under my boyfriend’s nose. I wanted him to notice my blatant flirting, be concerned with the hours I spent discretely texting, but he either didn’t notice or didn’t care or was too stubborn to give me the satisfaction of a confrontation. I was too proud to confront him myself, too proud to admit that I was cheating, and that I wanted him to be jealous. I was pushing the boundaries to get a response, trying to “feel alive again”.

We didn’t have the tools to talk about what was really going on and the sad fact that we had fallen out of love, so instead I stewed in anxiety and shame and anger, alone. A year later when I felt the tapeworm start to growl hungrily again, after continuously flirting with a guy at work, I knew it would turn sexual. In fear and shame, I broke off our 5-year relationship without ever admitting to the infidelities. I don’t now if he ever found out about the cheating - maybe he is right now - but I regret every day trying to pretend what I was doing was harmless, even if he never knew.

I believe it’s healthy to flirt. It makes us feel desired in a way that we sometimes just won’t allow with our comfortable companions. I also think it’s healthy to see your partner being desired by someone else. It reminds us of what we once found sexy about them, before the farts in bed and dishes in the sink clouded our visions in domestic bliss. But we won’t know the boundaries of our freedom or the limits of our security unless we make them clear.

I suggest trying, even if it’s uncomfortable, to admit to your partner that you are having a bit of a flirt with the ex, and deciding together what the rules are in your relationship. You might be surprised with the openness it brings, and the sexiness that often comes with allowing true honestly without consequence. If you don’t know how to start, buy a copy of Perel’s Mating in Captivity. It documents real couple’s therapy sessions, while dealing with the push and pull of monogamy and may help begin the conversation. Pair it with the perfect meal that combines security with freedom: pasta and sauce. Comforting pasta of your desires, exciting bites of meat or veg, and lots of ways to make it your own.

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BOUNDARY PUSHING PASTA

Here are some of my favorite recipes of boundary pushing pastas to enjoy together cuddled on security of the couch, or in freedom of the bedroom.

Bobby Flay’s spaghetti and meatballs - a perfectly executed classic. This one takes time and love, like a good relationship should.

Bon Appetit brown butter and lemon pasta - simple, lemony, cheesy perfection. I add a little sautéed crispy sausage at the end for extra excitement.

Crispy artichoke pasta - this is a quick and easy but tastes complicated. I added chicken and a little hot pepper flakes to keep things spicy.

Creamy mushroom pasta - indulgent and dynamic while still remaining perfectly comforting. Perel would be proud.

1. Free Palestine.